Experiencing Victory

It is easy for me to get discouraged when I feel like I am so far from reaching my goals. For example, I am not sure when I will finish my Master's degree, but it may be another two years. Sometimes I get discouraged that it will take so long, especially when I feel that it will be impossible to complete the course load and actually pass the Comp Exams. I also get discouraged when I feel like my struggle with food will never be gone. Even though the past few weeks have been really good and I have not binged, I know it will take many months, even years, of abstinence before I truly experience victory and freedom from this struggle. Knowing it will take that long discourages me and even makes me want to give in to my cravings because Satan tries to make me believe that I will never be free from this struggle. But I can be victorious even when the distance between my present reality and my desired goal seems so far apart. By setting mini-goals and achieving them, I can have moments of victory each day. Each day I abstain from bingeing is a day of victory. Each time I resist the temptation to eat more than I should is a moment of victory. Each time I turn to God rather than food is a time of victory.

"We will always be the most victorious when we are in the center of God's will. When we are in God's will, we are able to see our trials from God's perspective -- through the lens of HIs grace and truth" (Terkeurst, 2011).

So what is God's will? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks...for this is God's will. To be in the center of God's will means I am to be joyful, prayerful, and thankful in all circumstances. These are all things I need to work on. This semester, I have allowed stress and discouragement to rob me of my joy. "Joy is a choice we make, not a feeling we hope to get from our circumstances" (Terkeurst, 2011). I can make the choice to be joyful in any circumstance because my joy is found in Christ and His salvation. Even through difficult times, I need to make the choice to be joyful. Being more prayerful is one thing I am working on. Prayer is so important, especially to defeat my battle with food. Not only do I need to set aside time to pray, I need to pray throughout the day and anytime I am faced with a choice and especially when I face temptation. I also need to remember to be thankful. Even in hard times, there are always things to be thankful for, and I need to choose to focus on those things rather than the circumstances in my life.

Be joyful, prayerful, and thankful. This is God's will. And when I am in God's will, I can experience victory, one small step at a time.

Worship

"What we fix our attention, heart, and mind on is what we'll worship. What we worship becomes magnified. And what is magnified will consume us and perpetuate more and more worship" (Terkeurst, 2011).

I'm going to be honest. I struggle with keeping my heart and mind fixed on God throughout the day. I do my bible study in the morning, and so it is easy for me to focus on God early in the day; but as the day goes on and I am focused on all I have to do, my focus shifts from God and I focus my attention on other things, forgetting to acknowledge Him and walk with Him. Food has become something in my life that I focus way too much on. It has become an idol in my life: I have craved food more than I have craved God; I have turned to food for comfort instead of turning to God; I have sought satisfaction in food rather than seeking satisfaction from the only One who can truly satisfy. And each time I place food above God, it demands more worship.
I have intentions to worship God and to fix my heart and mind on Him, many times those intentions do not result in action. God is concerned with my heart and what my intentions are, but He desires obedience more than a thousand good intentions. One way I can worship God each day is by giving my body to God as a living and holy sacrifice (Romans 12:1). Each day I must surrender myself to God and put aside my selfish ambitions and follow Him (Matthew 16:24-25). This is not something I should just intend to do; it is something I must put into action every day.

My Identity in Christ

Daily, hourly, and moment by moment, I must stand in the reality of my God-given identity (Terkeurst, 2011).

While I know in my head that God's love for me and His approval of me is not based on what I do or do not do, many times it is difficult for my heart to grasp the truth. There are so many times that I believe the lie that I have to perform for God's approval, and so I do or do not do things in order to be loved rather than doing things because I am loved. This performance mentality relates to my food struggles as well. Whenever I eat healthy and exercise self-control, I feel like a "good Christian," but when I lose self-control and binge, I feel like a "bad Christian."

After Jesus was baptized, God said, "This is my Son, in whom I love; with him I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17). When God said this, Jesus had not yet begun His ministry. He had not led the disciples, performed miracles, or died on the cross. God affirmed Jesus' identity before Jesus began His public ministry.

When I became a Christian, I was given a new identity: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17). This new identity is not based on who I am or what I have done; it is dependent on who Christ is and what He has already done through His death on the cross. So often, I forget that my worth and significane are found in Christ alone and I try to fill my life with activities to prove my worth and significance in oder to earn love and approval from other people as well as from God. I am God's daughter, whom He loves; with me He is well pleased. He loves me and is pleased with me because of who I am in Christ, not because of what I do.

After God affirmed Jesus' identity, Jesus was tempted in the desert, and one of those temptations was with food. Because Jesus was filled with God's truth and knew His identity, He did resisted temptation. When I rest assured in my identity and worth in Christ and when I fill myself with Him, I do not need to crave the acceptance and approval of others and I do not need to fill myself with physical pleasure (such as food). Because in God I am loved, accepted, and whole. God loves me and is well-pleased with me no matter what I do, and this truth should be the motivation for all that I do: to live for Him because I am loved rather than to earn His love.

Not Just a Physical Struggle

Ever since I started struggling with food, it has been interesting to me that something physical (food) can have such ramifications on my spiritual life. Binge-eating hurts my physical body, but this struggle also wages war against my soul. Satan tries to convince me that I will never be free from this battle and that victory is not possible. He uses my physical struggle with food as a lure to draw me away from God, and he has been successful many times.
In Psalm 23, we see all the things God does for His children:

• He leads me
• He restores me
• He guides me
• He is with me
• He comforts me
• He fills me
• He satisfies me

Do I rely on God in these ways or do I rely on food in these ways? Unfortunately, I usually turn to food instead of to God. I usually seek comfort and satisfaction in food rather than in God. This breaks my heart. It also breaks God's heart whenever we are ruled by anything other than Himself.

My physical struggle with food allows me to see the spiritual state of my heart. I must do more than recognize this truth; I must do something about it. Each day I must surrender this struggle to God and trust Him to give me the strength I need to resist temptation. Each day I must choose to turn to Him for comfort and satisfaction rather than to food. Each day I must counter lies with His truth. Each day I must choose to be ruled by Him, not food. Each day I must abstain from my sinful desires, which wage war against my soul (1 Peter 2:11)

Trusting God's Promises

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This verse seems to be one of the most utilized promises of the bible, and I myself have used it hundreds of time in my own life and when ministering to others. This past year, it has been very hard to trust in this promise. My knee pain seems like it will never go away, I feel like I will never be able to run again, and I am still struggling with binge-eating just like I have been for the past 3 years. I know this promise in my head, but I haven't taken hold of it in my heart. I hate to admit it, but I have even doubted God. I have doubted His sovereignty and love; I have doubted that He sees or hears me; I have doubted that He will work everything together for good. I have doubted because I have not seen. Yet how many times has God fulfilled this promise in my life and in others' lives? How many times has He shown us through His word that He is faithful to His promises? Just because I have not yet seen all the good that will come through these storms in my life does not mean that I cannot trust that good will come. God has already brought good out of my knee injury, but I have been so focused on the pain and my inability to run that I do not see the good.

Even though binge-eating is sin, good has still come out of it and will continue to do so. This struggle keeps me aware of my utter weakness and helplessness without Christ. It leads me to turn to Him and to depend on Him for strength, although I don't always do so. I also believe that God will use this chapter in my life as a testimony to others. One of my mentors struggled with binge-eating when she was my age and overcame it and is now helping me to overcome it as well. I hope that one day this struggle can become a testimony that may help others dealing with similar problems.

I know in my head that God works all things for good, but I need to believe it in my heart and trust that He is faithful to fulfill His promises, even when I cannot see it.

Pleasing God, Not Man

"Don't let people's compliments go to your head, and don't let their criticisms go to your heart. The degree to which you do either of these things is the degree to which you'll be ruled by what other people think of you" (Teurkerst, 2011).

I have always been a people-pleaser. I have always cared about the opinion and approval of others. Being so concerned about what other people think of me has led me to do things I don't want to do, to do things with the wrong intentions, and even to lie so that others' opinion of me will not change. It is difficult to talk about my food struggles with people because I don't want them to see me differently. I want to be seen as a strong Christian who always does the right thing. However, this image can sometimes keep people away. People may end up feeling intimidated or judged. This desire to be perfect is self-seeking, not God-seeking. I want others to see Christ in and through me, but if I am busy trying to make myself look perfect, all that people will see is me. When I am honest about my struggles and admit that I can do nothing apart from Christ, that is when God can shine through my life. I need to stop trying to aim for perfection and focus on obedience. I need to stop letting what others think of me determine my actions and my self-worth. My worth is found in Christ and pleasing Him should be my motivation for action.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galations 1:10)

Filled With God

I think one of the reasons I have this struggle with food is because there are many times that I feel empty. Emptiness demands to be filled, and so I turn to food to fill that void. Food has become my comfort. It is easy, it is filling, and it is available. Turning to food when I feel empty has become a pattern. Whether I feel lonely, stressed, or upset, food seems to temporarily fill the emptiness I feel. Ironically, my binge-eating only adds to my hurt and emptiness instead of soothing it. Only turning to God in the times of emptiness will satisfy and fulfill me. I have to admit that turning to God instead of things of the world is difficult. God is not tangible and He is not a "quick-fix." However, He does offer abundant life (John 10:10), and He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things (Psalm 107:9). He offers the true satisfaction that nothing in the world will give. I want to be so full of the things of God that I do not even crave the pleasures of the world. I read this quote by Billy Graham yesterday and really liked it:

"Suppose someone should offer me a plateful of crumbs after I had eaten a T-bone steak. I would say, 'No thank you. I am already satisfied.' Christian, that is the secret - you can be so filled with the things of Christ, so enamored with the things of God, that you do not have time for the sinful pleasures of the world."

I need so fill myself up with T-bone steak instead of settling for the crumbs.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him (Psalm 34:8)