Experiencing Victory

It is easy for me to get discouraged when I feel like I am so far from reaching my goals. For example, I am not sure when I will finish my Master's degree, but it may be another two years. Sometimes I get discouraged that it will take so long, especially when I feel that it will be impossible to complete the course load and actually pass the Comp Exams. I also get discouraged when I feel like my struggle with food will never be gone. Even though the past few weeks have been really good and I have not binged, I know it will take many months, even years, of abstinence before I truly experience victory and freedom from this struggle. Knowing it will take that long discourages me and even makes me want to give in to my cravings because Satan tries to make me believe that I will never be free from this struggle. But I can be victorious even when the distance between my present reality and my desired goal seems so far apart. By setting mini-goals and achieving them, I can have moments of victory each day. Each day I abstain from bingeing is a day of victory. Each time I resist the temptation to eat more than I should is a moment of victory. Each time I turn to God rather than food is a time of victory.

"We will always be the most victorious when we are in the center of God's will. When we are in God's will, we are able to see our trials from God's perspective -- through the lens of HIs grace and truth" (Terkeurst, 2011).

So what is God's will? 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks...for this is God's will. To be in the center of God's will means I am to be joyful, prayerful, and thankful in all circumstances. These are all things I need to work on. This semester, I have allowed stress and discouragement to rob me of my joy. "Joy is a choice we make, not a feeling we hope to get from our circumstances" (Terkeurst, 2011). I can make the choice to be joyful in any circumstance because my joy is found in Christ and His salvation. Even through difficult times, I need to make the choice to be joyful. Being more prayerful is one thing I am working on. Prayer is so important, especially to defeat my battle with food. Not only do I need to set aside time to pray, I need to pray throughout the day and anytime I am faced with a choice and especially when I face temptation. I also need to remember to be thankful. Even in hard times, there are always things to be thankful for, and I need to choose to focus on those things rather than the circumstances in my life.

Be joyful, prayerful, and thankful. This is God's will. And when I am in God's will, I can experience victory, one small step at a time.

Worship

"What we fix our attention, heart, and mind on is what we'll worship. What we worship becomes magnified. And what is magnified will consume us and perpetuate more and more worship" (Terkeurst, 2011).

I'm going to be honest. I struggle with keeping my heart and mind fixed on God throughout the day. I do my bible study in the morning, and so it is easy for me to focus on God early in the day; but as the day goes on and I am focused on all I have to do, my focus shifts from God and I focus my attention on other things, forgetting to acknowledge Him and walk with Him. Food has become something in my life that I focus way too much on. It has become an idol in my life: I have craved food more than I have craved God; I have turned to food for comfort instead of turning to God; I have sought satisfaction in food rather than seeking satisfaction from the only One who can truly satisfy. And each time I place food above God, it demands more worship.
I have intentions to worship God and to fix my heart and mind on Him, many times those intentions do not result in action. God is concerned with my heart and what my intentions are, but He desires obedience more than a thousand good intentions. One way I can worship God each day is by giving my body to God as a living and holy sacrifice (Romans 12:1). Each day I must surrender myself to God and put aside my selfish ambitions and follow Him (Matthew 16:24-25). This is not something I should just intend to do; it is something I must put into action every day.

My Identity in Christ

Daily, hourly, and moment by moment, I must stand in the reality of my God-given identity (Terkeurst, 2011).

While I know in my head that God's love for me and His approval of me is not based on what I do or do not do, many times it is difficult for my heart to grasp the truth. There are so many times that I believe the lie that I have to perform for God's approval, and so I do or do not do things in order to be loved rather than doing things because I am loved. This performance mentality relates to my food struggles as well. Whenever I eat healthy and exercise self-control, I feel like a "good Christian," but when I lose self-control and binge, I feel like a "bad Christian."

After Jesus was baptized, God said, "This is my Son, in whom I love; with him I am well pleased" (Matthew 3:17). When God said this, Jesus had not yet begun His ministry. He had not led the disciples, performed miracles, or died on the cross. God affirmed Jesus' identity before Jesus began His public ministry.

When I became a Christian, I was given a new identity: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" (2 Corinthians 5:17). This new identity is not based on who I am or what I have done; it is dependent on who Christ is and what He has already done through His death on the cross. So often, I forget that my worth and significane are found in Christ alone and I try to fill my life with activities to prove my worth and significance in oder to earn love and approval from other people as well as from God. I am God's daughter, whom He loves; with me He is well pleased. He loves me and is pleased with me because of who I am in Christ, not because of what I do.

After God affirmed Jesus' identity, Jesus was tempted in the desert, and one of those temptations was with food. Because Jesus was filled with God's truth and knew His identity, He did resisted temptation. When I rest assured in my identity and worth in Christ and when I fill myself with Him, I do not need to crave the acceptance and approval of others and I do not need to fill myself with physical pleasure (such as food). Because in God I am loved, accepted, and whole. God loves me and is well-pleased with me no matter what I do, and this truth should be the motivation for all that I do: to live for Him because I am loved rather than to earn His love.

Not Just a Physical Struggle

Ever since I started struggling with food, it has been interesting to me that something physical (food) can have such ramifications on my spiritual life. Binge-eating hurts my physical body, but this struggle also wages war against my soul. Satan tries to convince me that I will never be free from this battle and that victory is not possible. He uses my physical struggle with food as a lure to draw me away from God, and he has been successful many times.
In Psalm 23, we see all the things God does for His children:

• He leads me
• He restores me
• He guides me
• He is with me
• He comforts me
• He fills me
• He satisfies me

Do I rely on God in these ways or do I rely on food in these ways? Unfortunately, I usually turn to food instead of to God. I usually seek comfort and satisfaction in food rather than in God. This breaks my heart. It also breaks God's heart whenever we are ruled by anything other than Himself.

My physical struggle with food allows me to see the spiritual state of my heart. I must do more than recognize this truth; I must do something about it. Each day I must surrender this struggle to God and trust Him to give me the strength I need to resist temptation. Each day I must choose to turn to Him for comfort and satisfaction rather than to food. Each day I must counter lies with His truth. Each day I must choose to be ruled by Him, not food. Each day I must abstain from my sinful desires, which wage war against my soul (1 Peter 2:11)

Trusting God's Promises

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

This verse seems to be one of the most utilized promises of the bible, and I myself have used it hundreds of time in my own life and when ministering to others. This past year, it has been very hard to trust in this promise. My knee pain seems like it will never go away, I feel like I will never be able to run again, and I am still struggling with binge-eating just like I have been for the past 3 years. I know this promise in my head, but I haven't taken hold of it in my heart. I hate to admit it, but I have even doubted God. I have doubted His sovereignty and love; I have doubted that He sees or hears me; I have doubted that He will work everything together for good. I have doubted because I have not seen. Yet how many times has God fulfilled this promise in my life and in others' lives? How many times has He shown us through His word that He is faithful to His promises? Just because I have not yet seen all the good that will come through these storms in my life does not mean that I cannot trust that good will come. God has already brought good out of my knee injury, but I have been so focused on the pain and my inability to run that I do not see the good.

Even though binge-eating is sin, good has still come out of it and will continue to do so. This struggle keeps me aware of my utter weakness and helplessness without Christ. It leads me to turn to Him and to depend on Him for strength, although I don't always do so. I also believe that God will use this chapter in my life as a testimony to others. One of my mentors struggled with binge-eating when she was my age and overcame it and is now helping me to overcome it as well. I hope that one day this struggle can become a testimony that may help others dealing with similar problems.

I know in my head that God works all things for good, but I need to believe it in my heart and trust that He is faithful to fulfill His promises, even when I cannot see it.

Pleasing God, Not Man

"Don't let people's compliments go to your head, and don't let their criticisms go to your heart. The degree to which you do either of these things is the degree to which you'll be ruled by what other people think of you" (Teurkerst, 2011).

I have always been a people-pleaser. I have always cared about the opinion and approval of others. Being so concerned about what other people think of me has led me to do things I don't want to do, to do things with the wrong intentions, and even to lie so that others' opinion of me will not change. It is difficult to talk about my food struggles with people because I don't want them to see me differently. I want to be seen as a strong Christian who always does the right thing. However, this image can sometimes keep people away. People may end up feeling intimidated or judged. This desire to be perfect is self-seeking, not God-seeking. I want others to see Christ in and through me, but if I am busy trying to make myself look perfect, all that people will see is me. When I am honest about my struggles and admit that I can do nothing apart from Christ, that is when God can shine through my life. I need to stop trying to aim for perfection and focus on obedience. I need to stop letting what others think of me determine my actions and my self-worth. My worth is found in Christ and pleasing Him should be my motivation for action.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Galations 1:10)

Filled With God

I think one of the reasons I have this struggle with food is because there are many times that I feel empty. Emptiness demands to be filled, and so I turn to food to fill that void. Food has become my comfort. It is easy, it is filling, and it is available. Turning to food when I feel empty has become a pattern. Whether I feel lonely, stressed, or upset, food seems to temporarily fill the emptiness I feel. Ironically, my binge-eating only adds to my hurt and emptiness instead of soothing it. Only turning to God in the times of emptiness will satisfy and fulfill me. I have to admit that turning to God instead of things of the world is difficult. God is not tangible and He is not a "quick-fix." However, He does offer abundant life (John 10:10), and He satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things (Psalm 107:9). He offers the true satisfaction that nothing in the world will give. I want to be so full of the things of God that I do not even crave the pleasures of the world. I read this quote by Billy Graham yesterday and really liked it:

"Suppose someone should offer me a plateful of crumbs after I had eaten a T-bone steak. I would say, 'No thank you. I am already satisfied.' Christian, that is the secret - you can be so filled with the things of Christ, so enamored with the things of God, that you do not have time for the sinful pleasures of the world."

I need so fill myself up with T-bone steak instead of settling for the crumbs.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him (Psalm 34:8)

Day 11: Unending Grace

I know that God's grace is enough to cover every sin and that His grace never "runs out," but I have often felt like I have used up all my grace with God because I have sinned so many times. Sometimes I feel like He is going to just say, "Enough! God away. I'm tired of your issues and your constant sin." If you read through the Old Testament, you will see how great God's grace it. Despite the many times the Israelites turned away from God, He continued to lead them and provide for them. His grace never ran dry no matter how many times they sinned, and His love for them never changed.

This is a good reminder that He will not run out of grace for me. He does not want me to stay in a perpetual state of sin and despair. God does not allow me to struggle with food because He is angry with me; it is because He loves me so much that He allows my struggle with food to be a physical indication of a spiritual problem. That does not mean that I can justify my bingeing, but it does mean that there is good that comes out of this struggle because God works all things together for good for those who love Him.

I am so thankful for God's never-ending grace. I am so thankful that He never gives up on me. I am so thankful that His love for me is not dependent on what I do, but on who He is and what He has done for me. May His incredible grace and love motivate me to resist temptation and follow Him.

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).

Day 10: What do I Crave?

To crave is to long for, want greatly, desire eagerly, and beg for. God made us to crave so that we would always desire more of Him, but Satan wants to replace our craving for God with something else. 1 John 2:15-16 says, "Do not love this world nor the things it offers you...for the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but from the world."

A craving for physical pleasure is trying to meet our physical needs outside the will of God. A craving for everything we see means being enamored by things of the world. Pride in achievements and possessions means chasing after things that bring feelings of significance. These are three ways Satan tries to lure us away from loving and craving God. He used these tactics when he tempted Eve:

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food (physical craving) and pleasing to the eye (material craving), and also desirable for gaining wisdom (significance craving), she took some and ate it (Genesis 3:6)

Eve gave into temptation because she focused on the object of her desire. She did not walk away or consider her choice or consider the consequences. She focused on her misplaced craving. Satan also used the same tactics when he tempted Jesus in Matthew 4. He appealed to Jesus' need for food Physical craving), he promised Jesus all the kingdoms (material craving), and he enticed Jesus to command angels to save Him to prove His power (significance craving). However, Jesus did not give in to temptation because His focus was on God's truth. Each time Satan tempted Him, He refuted temptation with Scripture. 

Unfortunately, when I face my cravings, I am more like Eve: I become so focused on and consumed by the object of my desire (food). I do not walk away or think about my choice or consider the consequences; I do not turn to God or use His truth to refute my temptation. I want to be more like Christ: I want my focus to be on God, I want to use truth to replace lies, I want to follow the will of God and not my desires. I want to crave God more than I crave food.

Day 9: Compromise vs Promise

Every time I give in to temptation, I compromise God's best for my life. I compromise my faith, my peace, and my values. Compromise can be defined in 3 ways:

1. to expose or make vulnerable
2. to make an unfavorable concession or indulgence
3. to weaken

Compromise leads to feelings of defeat, and many other feelings that I stated in my previous post. I was made for more than compromise; I was made "for God's promises that lead to an abundant life of truth, strength, and joy" (Terkeurst, 2011). Satan's purpose is to tempt us to make compromises: to weaken us, expose us, and make us vulnerable. One of the lies he often uses, especially in my struggle with food, is, "This will make you feel wonderful." I must be able to identify Satan's lies and combat them with truth. Yes, this indulgence may make me feel wonderful in the moment, but how will I feel in the morning? By making this compromise, I am settling for less than the abundant life God has promised me. I need to examine every choice I make, whether it is food-related or not, and ask myself, "Does this choice lead to compromise or to God's abundant life?"

Day 8: No Big Deal

Overeating seems to be a commonly overlooked sin in our society. We don't see it as bad as we see pride, selfishness, or worldliness (although these have also become more acceptable). Yet God sees gluttony as He does every other sin. Because I have committed this sin so many times, I have become desensitized to it, almost numb to the fact that it is sin. There are certain sins that I would never think of doing because they are deemed the "bad sins," but for some reason, there are other sins that don't seem like a big deal, partly because the consequences may not be very severe (at least, the immediate consequences). All sin is rebellion against God and breaks His heart. I want to see sin the way God does. I want my heart to be broken over the things that break His heart. Knowing that gluttony is sin should keep me from bingeing, yet many times it doesn't. I need to grow deeper in my love for God in order to have the desire to do what pleases him and to hate the things that don't please Him.

There have been times when I have told people about my struggle with binge-eating, and they don't see it as a big deal; everyone has their struggles and everyone overeats. Well, this struggle is a big deal because it leads to "big" emotions: disgust and frustration with myself, shame, regret, inadequacy, and defeat to name a few. I often feel like a failure because I continue to struggle with this sin, but "whenever we feel defeated by an issue, it can prevent us from following God completely" (Terkeurst, 2011). I have to remind myself that I am not a failure in God's sight, and I have not been defeated by this struggle. I can overcome this through Christ and the strength and power He provides, if I surrender myself completely to Him. 

Prayer

One thing I need to work on is prayer. I have never had a strong prayer life and do not set aside time during my day to pray. I may say a quick prayer in the morning during my bible study and say a few short prayers throughout the day, but prayer is not an active part of my life. I was really convicted about this after listening to my dad's sermon yesterday. Three reasons that I am not devoted to prayer: not expecting God to answer, misplaced priorities, and laziness.

Prayer should be a daily, consistent spiritual discipline. Daniel "got down on his knees and prayed" three times a day (Daniel 6:10). David cried out to God evening, morning, and noon (Psalm 55:17). I need to make it a priority to set aside time each day for prayer. I need to be persistant in my prayers as well. Jesus taught his disciples to always pray and not give up (Luke 18:1). When I don't see God answer prayer, it is easy for me to give up on that prayer, but He does not want me to give up. I have heard multiple people talk about praying for something for years before God answered their prayer. I also need to pray fervently and with intensity, not just half-heartedly. If I was in a life-or-death situation, I would be praying my heart out. That is how God wants us to pray about everything. He also wants us to expect Him to answer, something I am not good at. 

I have always liked using the ACTS acronym for prayer: adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication. One thing I am lazy about in my prayer life is confession. Yesterday, my dad went through a list of sins and I realized how much sin is in my life: anger, lustful thoughts, complaining, speaking negatively about others, doubting God, lying, idolatry, placing values and priorities on worldly things, not using my spiritual gifts, not sharing my faith, gluttony, lack of self-control. If I am harboring these sins in my life, which I have been, and not confessing them, asking for forgiveness, and repenting, I cannot expect God to hear or answer my prayers.

I want to make prayer much more of a priority in my life. I think it is a huge part of overcoming my battle with bingeing. I want to challenge myself to something: praying before and after meals. Praying before meals is nothing new, but I wonder if praying after meals would weaken my craving to keep eating. It may not get rid of it completely, but it will be much harder to continue eating if I am spending that time in prayer.

I am confident that God wants me to experience victory and freedom from this addiction. I am also confident that He wants to help me in this battle. I love what John 14:13-14 says:

You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, because the work of the Son brings glory to the Father. Yes, ask for anything in my name and I will do it.

I need to be constantly asking God to help me in my struggles, and I need to expect that He will answer.

Day 6: Precious in His Sight...Always!

I really needed to read the devotional for today. I want to share the same truths that Lysa Terkeurst wrote:

• God's love never fails (1 Cor. 13:8) Even if wee feel that we are weak and failing, God's love for us will never cease.
• Nothing can separate us from God's love (Romans 8:39) Not twenty, fifty, one-hundred, two-hundred pounds, or more -- nothing will separate you from God's love.
• Love is patient (1 Cor. 13:4) No matter how long we struggle to find victory in any area of our life, God is patient with us -- continually providing His love, His comfort, His truth, and His power.
• God's love is not baed on our performance (Romans 5:8) We may fall off the path of perseverance, but God's love has never been dependent on our actions, proven by the fact that He sent His son "while we were still sinners."

I really needed to be reminded of all these truths, especially the third and fourth ones. I often feel like I have failed way too many times to still be in the reach of God's love, grace, and forgiveness. I am so thankful that nothing I do will ever put me out of His reach. I am also thankful that His love and grace are not dependent on what I do or do not do; they are depended on who He is and what He has already done.

I am God's special girl! No matter where I am in my struggle with healthy eating, God looks at me and says, "She still looks like my precious daughter to me!" He loves me just the way I am. But God loves me too much to leave me stuck in a state of defeat. I was made for more. I was made for victory (Terkeurst, 2011). The fact that no matter where I am or what I have done God still sees me as His precious daughter is so humbling...tears fill my eyes as I type this. After all the times I have failed Him and turned to the things of this world rather than to Him, He still sees me the same and loves me the same. I don't understand how, but I am so thankful that this is true, and I need to be reminded of this constantly.

Day 4 and 5: Count it all Joy and Persevere

One of my favorite verses is James 1:2-4:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let  perseverance have its full effect, that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

"Count" in this verse means "to consider."

"In the midst of a trial, we will probably not feel the joy, the hope, or the encouragement tucked within this verse -- we have to consider it [...] We have to consider it and park our minds on the truth that our triumph in this trial matters. Triumph in this choice will produce a blessing" (Terkeurst, 2011).

"Perseverance" can also mean "endurance" or "steadfastness." The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of this word is running. Even though I have been removed from running for quite a while now, I still remember how important it was to persevere and endure through every run, workout, or race. It was hard. It was painful. I wanted to give up. But each time I persevered and finished, all the pain was worth it. I also like how Lysa Terkeurst defined perseverance: "Perseverance means having an urgency, firmness, resolve, and consistency."

The blessing that perseverance in trial and temptation brings is this: "that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." This is my desire as a Christian, to grow more and more like Christ. If I keep giving into temptation instead of persevering through it, my spiritual growth suffers.

One thing I need to work on (among a whole slew of other things) is to quote scripture in the midst of temptation. One of my problems is that many times I don't even think of prayer or scripture when I am tempted. Even worse, I may think about it, but I am so consumed with my craving that I choose not to think about it. Every decision that I make with food throughout this journey is important because it will either bring me closer to experiencing victory and freedom or draw me deeper into this addiction. Each time I choose to resist temptation and not give in to my cravings, God produces perseverance in me, which will make it easier to persevere through the next temptation. Overcoming this addiction is going to be a very long process, and each choice I make is important to my recovery.

Day 3: The Number on the Scale

I never started using a scale until my sophomore year in college when my track coach asked me about my weight. I never worried about the number on the scale until then. Since that time, that number has been so important to me. Last semester, as I watched that number slowly drop, its value in my life became very significant. This semester, as I have watched the number quickly rise due to binge eating, I have been plagued with feelings of guilt and shame and am often thinking about the weight I have gained, how fat I feel, and how I wish I could get back to where I was last semester. Being on the track team all through college had a huge effect on my self-image. I compared myself to the other girls on the team and always felt inadequate, wanting their lean arms and legs and visible 6 pack. My looks became so much more valuable to me, which is why I hate seeing the weight I have put on this semester. To most people, I don't look any different, but I can tell a difference. My clothes are much tighter and I just don't feel thin anymore. Why do I place so much value on my looks when the number on the scale and the size of my clothes will never bring me satisfaction? Even last semester when I weighed less, I was never satisfied with the number or my looks. When you try to satisfy the God-filled hole in your life with things other than Him, you will constantly be wanting more because "[t]he only true satisfaction we can seek is the satisfaction of being obedient to the Lord" (Terkeurst, 2011).

Part of me wants to stop binge-eating so that I can lose the weight that I have gained in the past 3 months, but that is the wrong motivation and it will not last. My motivation, as I wrote in a previous post, should be to stop binge-eating for the sake of my spiritual health and because I want to be obedient to God.

I am posting this a day late because I was too busy eating last night. I failed to stick to my commitments again. I ate dinner after class, around 8:30, and just kept on eating well past 9:00, especially after I got upset about something (again, something stupid and so insignificant). I have to discipline myself to turn to God rather than food when I am upset, and even in the times I am happy. This morning I am fighting the feelings of shame and guilt and failure. I am determined to overcome this battle, and I know that it is possible through the power of God. I just have to depend on that power instead of relying on myself.

Day 2: Spiritual Determination

My issue with bingeing and with my self-image is weighing me down spiritually. When I don't have peace physically, I don't have peace spiritually. I need spiritual determination to step in where my physical determination falls short (Terkeurst, 2011).

This battle is not just about my physical health, but my spiritual health as well. Binge-eating is sin, and therefore it hinders my relationship with God and separates me from Him. My motivation to break free of this addiction should be out of a desire to obey Him because of my love for Him. Any motivation that is not centered on Him will fall short.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)


I need God to strengthen me, to help me, and to uphold me in my struggle. It is so comforting to know that He promises to do that. The hard part for me is to let Him do that. So many times I try to do things myself and rely on my strength and willpower to accomplish my purposes. I fail every time I rely on myself, yet I continue to do just that. I must surrender everything to God and depend on His strength, for that is the only way I will experience victory.

I did not eat anything after dinner tonight. I got upset at something really stupid (I do that quite often), and the first thing I wanted to do was binge. Bingeing would have temporarily numbed the pain and provided temporary pleasure, but it would have left me feeling guilt, shame, and regret and would have done nothing to fix the problem I was upset about. Only by God's strength did I stand strong during temptation.

A New Day

This blog is not going to serve its purpose of holding me accountable if I am not honest about my progress. I did not follow my commitment last night. I had a bowl of oatmeal at 8:30 and was not going to eat anything else. I went to the library with my boyfriend because he had to meet for a group project. They met longer than I expected and I was ready to get home. One trigger for me to binge is when I feel out of control of a situation. This happens to me on a lot of nights because I have night class that lasts for 3 hours and I feel out of control of "my time." Last night, I was not in control of how long I would be at the library. For some reason (I can't explain why), this led me to crave a binge. I could have gone to bed when I got home, but I went to the kitchen. After I had eaten a day's worth of food in 30 minutes, I went to bed. I couldn't even stick to my commitment on Day 1 of this challenge. Instead of beating myself up over it and focusing on my failure, I am focusing on the fact that today is a new day and I cannot let what I did yesterday affect what I am going to do today.

Day 1: Unsettle Me

In today's devotional, the author, Lysa Terkeurst, shares her prayer that she prayed at the beginning of her journey to replace her craving for food with a craving for God. I want to share some of the words she prayed that have become my prayer today:

"Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me - dark and dingy and hidden way too long - suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.
I can delight in hope that this is my [time] to change.
I can discover reasons to appreciate my body [...]
I can recognize the beauty of discipline and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes.
I can rest assured though the journey will be hard, I will be held.
[...]
Goodbye to shallow efforts, self-focus, and suspicious fears that I'll never find victory in this area of my life. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in distractions or destructions.
Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle."

I am made for more than this battle with binge-eating. God wants me to experience victory through His power. He will fight for me, but I must surrender to Him.

60 Day Challenge

I have been battling binge-eating for three years now (I will share my full story in a later post). I am tired of living in this vicious cycle that seems to control my life. I am ready for change. I want to experience victory and freedom, which can only come through Christ. I was made to crave God, not food. I desire to crave God more than food and experience the true satisfaction that only He can give. This is not only a physical journey, but a spiritual one as well. I need to give up bingeing for my physical health as well as my spiritual health.

My 60 day challenge: Last fall I went through the bible study, Made to Crave. I highly recommend this study. I now have the 60 day Made to Crave Devotional. In addition to going through this devotional for 60 days, I am making a commitment to eating only one snack after dinner and not eating past 9:00. My strongest urges to binge come after dinner and before I go to bed. I don't want to restrict myself from not eating anything after dinner, but it needs to be controlled. I will do my best to post every day in order to hold myself accountable. I will post about what I read in the devotional and about what I ate after dinner.

My goals are not to lose weight or to become more disciplined; they are to surrender to God the thing that is replacing Him in my life, to crave Him more than food, and to depend on Him for the power and strength I need to overcome this addiction.